


Can I be colorful and free?

by Blackwidowislyfe



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit Sanders is a Good Friend, Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Gen, Roman Sanders gets a hug, Roman is not okay, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, This fic is not for the faint of heart, i did this instead of processing my own trauma, idk what else to tag this, suicidal ideations, the author is not okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24154150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackwidowislyfe/pseuds/Blackwidowislyfe
Summary: (10 points if you can figure out where the title is from)"Soon," Remus said. "Tonight, after everyone is asleep." After the wedding and the chaos that followed, Roman is very extremely not okay. No one was prepared for just how much "not okay" he was. It's gonna take a lot to rebuild their noble Prince back up.ORThe author saw a tiktok, had some shit happened, and wrote a suicidal Roman fic to cope with feelings.WARNING: This fic is not for the faint of heart. Please heed the tags!
Comments: 18
Kudos: 126





	Can I be colorful and free?

**Author's Note:**

> First off, the tiktok that inspired me: https://www.tiktok.com/@sandra_g_14/video/6823786416418376966
> 
> Second, a playlist that spawned in writing this: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-jCt2Ph1tpBEScS_GopvN_qs6VA33dQM
> 
> Third, WARNINGS: Implied and graphic suicidal thoughts, ideations, and actions; implied and graphic self harm mentions, thoughts, and actions. Sympathetic Remus and Sympathetic Deceit. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE AT ALL UNEASY OR TRIGGERED BY ANY OF THIS.
> 
> As usual this fic just sort of exploded out of me. I'm going through A LOT of bullshit right now so this was entirely a coping mechanism. Enjoy maybe???????

Ever since Janus had revealed his name, ever since the wedding, things had been tense in the mindspace, to say the least. Though no one seemed to be taking things nearly as hard as Roman was. He and Remus both owned the realm of creativity and imagination and often fought many a monster together. But lately Roman had been… reckless. He was constantly throwing himself in harm's way, willing and eager to get hurt.

Remus noticed.

Roman had been eating more and more lately. Hell, Patton had made garlic bread for spaghetti one night and Roman absconded with it. Patton found him later, crying over it in the bathtub. He had been eating mostly carbs too, another thing unlike him.   
  
Patton noticed.

Roman was dressing differently too. He often spent days in the mindscape, if not in his typical princely garb than at least in button downs and slacks. Lately though… He wasn’t bothering with much more than joggers and sweatshirts. Actually no, it was hoodies. Specifically Virgil’s hoodies and he was about to question Remus as to why there was blood when he realized it: it was on the arms. And who had been in nothing but long sleeves despite the fact that Patton tended to keep the mindscape warm? The blood was only on one hoodie too; his old one, the one that was grey and thick. 

Virgil noticed.

Logan had noticed a lack of drive in Thomas lately, a lack of urge to create and an intense desire to just… not. All Thomas aspired to do lately was sleep and that, for one, was not going to cut it. Logan had to get to the bottom of it. He found Roman in his room, curled around his pillows (and there were a lot, it was Roman after all), crying as quietly as possible. Logan frowned but backed out of the room. This was… uncharacteristic of Roman.

Hell, even Logan noticed. 

This wasn’t exactly a comforting feeling for Janus, but it confused him when he went to check to make sure the death-related feelings weren’t coming from Virgil. Only to be stopped in the hall by Remus popping up.   
  
“Okay you better not have set something on fire again,” Janus started.   
  
“It’s Roman,” Remus panted. Janus’ eyes grew wide. “He- God, J, he’s nearly as bad as when Virgil was-”   
  
“Do the others know?” Janus said, already off to collect Virgil from his room.   
  
“Not yet, figured we’d get storm-cloud to tell them,” Remus said. “I haven’t seen him like this… ever, J. what happened at the wedding?”   
  
“It wasn’t pretty, and neither was the fall out,” Janus said. He didn’t even bother knocking on Virgil’s door, just silently hoping that the kid had pants on this time.   
  
“Ya ever heard of knocking, snakeskin?” Virgil grumbled. He turned to shoo his guests out when he saw the fear in their eyes. “What’s wrong?”   
  
* * * *

“He’s WHAT?!” Patton shouted. “How can you be sure?!”   
  
“This isn’t my first go around and Remus said so himself,” Janus explained.   
  
“He… it was almost like he wanted to die, when we fought the monster in the imagination last time,” Remus said, and he was eerily quiet, concerned. Remus had never, in the many many years any of them had known him, been so quiet.

“So what do we do?” Patton asked in a small voice.

“Six heads are better than one,” Logan said firmly. “We need Thomas and we need an intervention. Remus, do you know if he had a plan and or the means to carry out said plans?” Remus shook his head. 

“If anything I think he’s trying to get killed in the imagination but that’s just a guess,” Remus said, a dazed look taking over his face. “Soon. Tonight, after everyone is asleep. Rope.”

“How-”

“Twin telepathy,” Janus explained, his own face going pale.

“Right. Thomas, now,” Logan said.   
  


* * * *

Thomas was, understandably, distraught. This wasn’t Deceit’s first rodeo with this sort of thing though. He knew how to do this and knew what to instruct everyone to do. So with a plan in place, the summoned a very disgruntled and disheveled Roman, tugging at his sleeves. Janus saw the dried blood on his palm. Self-harm too then.

“What’s going on?” he growled.

“Hey, we just wanna talk Roman,” Thomas said, in that gentle way that always seemed to work for Patton.

But it didn’t. Roman turned on his heel and tried to stomp off. Well, desperate times and all. Janus spun him around. “Roman.”

“Fuck you snake!” Roman snarled.

“Roman we’re worried,” Thomas said. “We just want to know what’s-”   
  


“I WANT TO DIE!” Roman shouted. The room became so quiet you could hear a pin drop.   
  
“Kiddo?” Patton tried.   
  
“I-I didn’t-!” Roman was trying hard to put the words back in his head, to backtrack but he couldn’t. It was like when Deceit tried to choke them from telling the truth except… in reverse. This time it felt like someone was forcing his mouth open, only to have the words pulled from his throat as he betrayed himself entirely.   
  
“How long have you had these feelings Roman?” Logan asked softly, and even for the nerd he was so soft, gentle concern etched into his features, so unlike him,  _ he was such a burden- _ _   
_ _   
_ “WEEKS! YEARS!” Roman shouted, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. He glared at Janus, hatred spewing from him. “I’VE WANTED TO SINCE HE SHOWED UP! I WANT TO BLEED AND THAT’S WHY I STEAL VIRGIL’S HOODIES!”

“Oh God,” Virgil breathed.

“LET ME GO I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IT HURTS!” Roman shouted, worn out from this entire ordeal.  
  
“Roman,” Remus breathed. Deceit finally let Roman go, watching as he crumpled to the ground like a piece of wet paper. He sobbed, long and loud and hard and for once he didn’t run from the feelings. He couldn’t; they were suffocating him. He felt the others gather close, hug him but it _wasn’t fair_ _he was such a waste he was just making them worry needlessly why was he even here-_

“Roman, it’s okay,” Thomas said softly. “You’re allowed to feel that way.”

“We want to be here but you gotta talk to us,” Patton said.  _ He was such a failure… _

* * * *

They were all on suicide watch, as it would be. Virgil wasn’t letting Roman out of his sight (which Janus had expected to be honest), and Remus had been the one to gather the sharp things out of his room, putting a rubber guard on what he could, Including the sword. Roman about severed Remus’ head when he so much as touched it. That was their compromise; a lock on its sheath that only Remus could open. Virgil had said he would stay in Roman’s room overnight, to try and keep an eye on him.

That left Patton and Logan and Janus to figure out what came next. There were tears, especially from Patton.

“I don’t know what to do Logan,” Patton hiccupped. “Part of me says if we just try and ignore it, then the thoughts will go away but…”

“We both know that won’t work,” Janus said. “What Roman needs most right now is love and understanding. And an abundance of patience. We can’t make the hurt vanish overnight but we can help him find healthier outlets.”

“Janus has the right idea. Thomas’ regular therapy session ought to help as well, and I’ll find what I can on how to cope with suicidal thoughts,” Logan declared. His hands were shaking how could he have missed it-

“I don’t know what I did wrong to miss it,” The words popped out of Logan’s mouth before he could stop them. “God damnit Janus I hate when you do that.”

“Now isn’t a time for secrets Logan. Not if we intend to keep him safe,” Janus explained.

“Using your abilities is fine but I would ask that you gain consent unless it is, like today, a matter of life or death.”

“Fair enough,” Janus sighed. “Did I… I didn’t mean to make things worse.”

“I don’t think it was just you Janus,” Patton assured his new friend. “We’ve been headed towards a breakdown with Ro for a while. Like you and Logan said, we know now, so we can help him better.” They all tried to cling to those words, but they felt as hollow as a log. How could they stop the beast that was Roman’s mental health?

* * * *   
  
Virgil gave up his old hoodie. “You can have it on the condition you come find me when you feel like doing bad things, okay?” He said firmly. Roman rolled his eyes but nodded. The hoodie was actually… comforting in a way. And it was very good at hiding his scars. Except when he went to find his hidden stash of daggers- they were gone they couldn’t be gone _ that was how he stayed alive how was he gonna do it no no no no- _

“Roman!” Virgil called out. “Hey, hey look at me. It’s gonna be okay. It doesn’t feel like it right now I know. I know it feels like the world is ending right?” Roman nodded through the tears and hyperventilating. “And like the urges are out of control?” Another nod. “Can you try and follow my breathing? Come on, in for four, hold for four, out for four. There we go. Again.” They stayed on the floor like that for Virgil wasn’t even sure how long. When Roman’s breathing evened out, the majority of his panic attack worked through, Virgil quickly ran through his own coping skills. “Do you trust me to show you some alternatives?”

“If you tell me to eat an ice cube I swear-”   
  
“That’s like the most bullshit advice anyone could ever give,” Virgil said. “No, I have better tricks than that.” Roman looked up at him, weary and confused. “Come on.”   
  
* * * *

So that’s how Virgil got to work on his art on Roman’s skin canvas. Maybe it wasn’t the arm that he did things on. That was fine. Butterflies hadn’t ever worked for him but Hearts with names on them did. 

“There,” Virgil declared. “I’ll put as many hearts on you as you want if it helps, okay?”   
  
“How did you know this would work?” Roman asked.

“How do you think?” Virgil said, a bitter smile on his face. He took a deep breath and rolled up his own hoodie sleeve. There weren’t many but the few scars that did show, were clearly once words. “I know more than you think about these feelings Roman. But I can’t help if you don’t talk. You won’t ever get cliches out of me or get in trouble, alright?” Roman nodded, a yawn escaping him. “Come on, a nap would do you good. Always helps me after a panic attack.” So Roman curled up beside Virgil.   
  
“Hey Virge?” He said in a small voice.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks,” Roman said, right as he fell asleep. 

“You’re welcome,” Virgil said with a smile. As Roman’s breathing evened out, Virgil glanced at the corner. “Are you allergic to knocking Janus?”

“Forgive me but I don’t understand why you told him,” Janus puzzled. “I didn’t even use-“

“It’s time they knew,” Virgil cut him off. “I’m… I'm ready.”

“I’m totally NOT proud of you,” Janus smirked. 

“Love you too ya noodle,” Virgil smarted back. 

* * * *

The urges were getting… if not better, easier to work through. Virgil had covered his arm in hearts, so much so that he was out of room. 

Maybe that’s why the thoughts were back.   
  
He trekked into the imagination (which he wasn’t meant to do unsupervised), determined to find a monster. Maybe if he made it look like an accident…?

“Hello brother,” Remus said, spooking Roman out of his thought process. “Hmm. Thought it was supposed to be ME that never listened to directions.”

“So fucking what?!” Roman snapped. “Not like anyone would care if-”

“I WOULD!” Remus screeched and okay wow  _ he was a failure he was worthless he was making people upset- _

“Stop thinking that! We love and want and NEED you Roman.  _ I  _ need you Roman!”

“And why is that?!” Roman snapped. 

“Because you keep me sane,” Remus whimpered. “You pull me back when I go off the deep end, you make me stop and you make sure I’m okay, and you always help me when I’m hurt and- and-“ the two melted into a sobbing puddle, clinging to each other for dear life.   
  
“I need you Roman,” Remus sobbed. “You were here first, and you keep me safe and you make sure someone hears me a-and without you I’d be so  _ BROKEN _ and I’d never forgive myself and-”

“Shhh,” Roman breathed, crushing his brother to his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m trying Remus. Good fucking God I am. It’s just so HARD to carry so much hurt.”

“No one said you had to carry it alone,” Remus pointed out. “We all want to help you, but you won’t let us. Let me take some of it for you.” Roman nodded, resting his head against his brother. “Come on dork, you’re not ready for this place yet.” Remus stood, offering his brother his hand to help him up. Roman acquiesced, standing, only to be pulled into another bone crushing hug. It almost felt like Remus was trying to squeeze his broken parts back together. Neither of them saw the little yellow snake slithering behind them as they walked back into the mindscape. Neither of them needed to know it was Janus who had pulled those words out of Remus. Remus already knew, and so what? It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to people intruding upon his boundaries. He’d long given up trying, and he just went along with it.

* * * *

Patton had to admit, between trying to not overstep on Thomas’ wellbeing and then trying to adjust to Janus being around more and then Roman’s issues on top of it all? He was left more than a little floundering about. He had tried to give Roman space, let the others do what they could. What could he do? He had done nothing but hurt everyone around him so much lately.

He just wanted to go back to when it was simpler.

Back when Roman was the brave hero, Virgil was his dark strange son, that Logan was there to keep them in line. But it wouldn’t, and truth be told it might make everything worse. This left him straight up avoiding Roman, in the effort of not hurting him. That had to work, right?

Spoiler alert: No, no it did not. In fact it seemed that the more he avoided Roman, the worse he looked each time. Until it finally came to a head over the dishes, of all things. Roman was simply trying to be helpful, integrate himself back into their silly routines, j _ ust fucking wash the damn silverware _ when Patton walked in, seeing him holding the knife he had used to cut the meat with. 

“Roman don’t do this please!” He begged. Roman dropped the knife into the sink, turning fully to see his friend, glaring daggers.

“I’m not an invalid Patton!” Roman shouted. “I may be a fucking trainwreck but in case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t made any attempt on my life yet nor have I done anything to hurt myself in a week! But you wouldn’t know because you’ve been avoiding me like the damn plague! Why is that?! Am I too broken for you to bear it?! Is that it?!”   
  
“Roman stop,” Patton begged, the guilt eating him alive.

“No! Why are you so hands off all of a sudden?! You think I’m stupid or weak or broken or a lost cause or-”   
  
“IT’S CUZ I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU!!” Patton shouted. “I’m scared of hurting you more than I already have! I’m to blame for this! MY unrealistic standards, MY depression, MY issues made you like this!”   
  
“You really don’t know anything do you?” Roman scoffed. He stalked out of the kitchen, intent on finding some way to hurt himself  _ make himself suffer you deserve it you useless thing you _ -

“Roman.” It was Logan. Great. “You’re uneasy.”

“No shit sherlock,” Roman bit out. “I need- I need- FUCK!” He swung at the wall, hoping the fist through it would hurt enough. Only he got intercepted. How…?

Logan had his fist. Oh.

“Roman, why don’t you come to my room? I believe I have something that might help.”  _ Yeah right… _

* * * *

Turns out working out, or rather just punching the punching bag Logan had set up was a good way to deal with the pain too. Even if Logan made him wear protective gear and made him stop when his hands started to hurt. It… helped.

“Let me see your hands,” Logan gently instructed. Roman cradled them closer to his chest. “I will not judge you, but I need to ensure you have not broken anything in your hands.” Roman took a shaky breath but held them out, the bright red marks on his arm plain as day. Logan, thankfully, didn’t say a word, simply checked his hands over. “Nope, hands are okay. Do you feel like talking? I am not good at feelings but I know sometimes dialectical therapy can help to ease these kinds of… urges.”

“I… no. I… I want- no.” Roman rubbed uncomfortably at his arms.

“Do those itch? Have you been practicing proper scar care Roman?” Roman shook his head, tears threatening to roll down his cheeks yet again. “That is okay. Would you be comfortable letting me help you to make sure your arm does not get infected?” Roman whipped his head up, eyes wide. “Did I overstep my place again?”   
  
“I… Help would be nice,” Roman whispered. 

“Very well. Morning and evening check-ins then. Let me see?” Roman handed over his arm yet again. Logan, to his credit, was gentle and careful, if quiet. He had Roman’s arm washed and wrapped up and sent him off to bed. Now to go deal with Patton…

* * * *

“What am I supposed to do, Janus? How did you handle it for Virgil?” Patton sighed over coffee the next morning.

“To start with I didn’t baby him, because that was only going to make it worse,” Janus said. “Then I had an honest talk with him about how he was feeling and then I confronted my OWN feelings about his thoughts, separately. Logan was a very patient listener. But I never put MY feelings onto HIM. Something you need to work on.”

“I just… it’s uncomfy. It makes me hurt knowing he’s hurting. And it makes me feel like i messed up somewhere, or a lot of places, if I pushed him into these thoughts and feelings and things.”

“I get that,” Janus said. “But what he needs from you right now is for you to be understanding without babying or pushy. You can do it.” Roman stumbled down the stairs, glaring at the two at the table before continuing on to the kitchen. “How do you normally fix things?”

“Cookies,” Patton sighed. And it was true; he’d solved more than a few problems with hot cocoa and cookies. It was how he had slowly earned Virgil’s trust. Maybe it would work on Roman too?

* * * *

“Cookies don’t solve everything,” Roman grumbled, despite three in front of him and a mug of Patton’s Patton-ed cocoa.

“No, but a little comfort food never hurt anyone and besides, they aren’t JUST for you Roman,” Patton said, trying to be calm, trying not to screw this up. Patton let Roman sit, angrily munching on the cookies while he put the last of the ingredients away, before sitting across from his friend, taking one of the cookies. He let the silence wash over them, eating in silence. Roman clearly looked on the fence, and Patton finally relented. “I know it isn’t fair for me to put my feelings onto you, but are you okay if I express them?” Roman gave him a leveling look, but nodded.

_ Don’t screw this one up patton, _ He thought silently. “I’ve been… well, you put it best, the mayor of much-kin land lately,” He started. “And I feel like, somehow the way you feel is a result of me not being flexible. That somehow… if we lost you, that it would be my fault. Which is selfish, I know. But I… I see now, trying to ignore things, or avoid you to stop hurting you… won’t work. And it isn’t your job to handle my feelings. I’m working on that okay kiddo? But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me because I’m going to overreact, okay? I’m not gonna promise I get it right every time, but I’m gonna try and get it right for you, okay?” Patton looked up to see Roman, cookie crumbs and a cocoa 'stache adorning a crumpled and crying face. “Oh kiddo I didn’t mean to make you cry!”

“I’m sorry Patton!” Roman sobbed and oh, _ oh _ . He had done something right. For once, his words had soothed something rather than made them worse. Patton quickly wrapped his friend into a hug.

“Shh, it’s okay. We’re gonna get through this, and we’re gonna get better,  _ together _ ,” Patton whispered. “It’s gonna be okay. Maybe not today, but some day.”

“Some day,” Roman sobbed into Patton’s shoulder.  _ Someday… but not today _ …

* * * *

It had been a terrible kind of day. Thomas had had therapy and Roman had been made to listen, which meant reliving everything about the wedding AGAIN, and then Thomas was bound and determined to do  _ something _ and Deceit seemed to be out to make sure anything except that happened, which devolved to a fight and Roman storming off to his room. This wasn’t fair he was  _ so STUPID to think he was worth anything worth their time he would show them he wasn’t worth it he needed to end it he needed pain he needed it all to STOP. _

So he started on what he had intended to do before everyone had confronted him and made him stop. But first he needed a note. He sighed, setting the rope onto the bed, grabbing his best parchment and his quill and ink. This wasn’t a time to spare things. It wasn’t like he would ever use them again.

He sighed, trying to scratch out something, anything, to comfort them.

_ Don't cry for me- _

_ I wasn’t worth saving- _

_ Don’t mourn for me- _

_ I’m worthless- _

“You’re not very good at this are you?” Janus asked, snapping Roman out of his revere. “For someone so hellbent on dying, you would have thought this through a bit more, or at least had an idea of what to say in your suicide note.”

“Fuck off succubus,” Roman said, but it came out as a whine, a whimper, an almost sob. “This is your fault anyways.”

“Is it Roman? Is it really?” Deceit questioned. “Or is this you following in Patton’s footsteps and trying to push your feelings away until you physically can’t do it anymore?”

“SHUT UP! I’LL KILL YOU!” Roman shouted, grabbing his sword from his side.

“Then do it Roman,” Janus said, not so much as flinching from Roman. They stared at each other for minutes, eternities, moments, hours, who knew. But Roman slowly felt the last of his resolve crumbling, and he melted to the floor.

“Fuck you,” He sobbed. “Fuck you Janus.”

“I know I messed things up, and for that I genuinely apologize,” Janus said, sitting beside his rival. “But this won’t solve the pain Roman.”

“Then what will?!” Roman demanded. “I’ve been trying so hard for so long but nothing HELPS it! Pain may breed pain but the pain shuts my brain up! It makes everything in my head fucking go still so I can see clearly and… and everyone wants to take away the one thing that let’s me function and without pain I don’t know how to deal with things…”

“I understand those feelings Roman,” Janus said softly. “But hurt breeds more hurt. It’s a never-ending cycle, but it can be broken. If you’ll let us help you break it.”

“I don’t want to be alone!” Roman sobbed, clinging to the snake-skinned man beside him.

“You won’t be, I swear,” Deceit promised softly.

* * * *

Roman-patrol suddenly became a thing. Not because they didn’t trust him, but because they didn’t want to chance it. He was to have a “buddy” at all times. Sharp objects, for the time being, were not allowed. Virgil, while uneasy with the ordeal, knew this was for the best. They all did. They just had to weather the worst of the storm for now…

* * * *

“I’m not okay today,” Roman whispered over breakfast. It had been two weeks since the almost attempt and Roman had, for the most part, been doing slightly better, a little more each day. Remus said if he kept it up he would be allowed back in the imagination by the end of the week. “I need… I’m sorry but I want to hurt.”

“Thank you for telling us Roman,” Logan said. “I cannot let you hurt yourself but after we eat you can come use the exercise equipment in my room.”

“Or I can draw more for you,” Virgil added.

“Or you can help me make cookies!” Patton offered. Roman offered up a small smile at his friends. 

“I um, nothing, nevermind it’s dumb,” Roman said, trying to brush his feelings off.

“Roman, remember what we said about burying our feelings?” Patton chided him gently.

“It’s not healthy and it causes more problems than it solves,” Roman muttered. “I just… I don’t have the energy for that stuff.”

“Why not have a quiet day on the couch then?” Janus suggested. “Movies are a healthy enough distraction and it takes very few spoons to just watch TV, right?” Roman nodded eagerly. “Movie day then.”

“I WANT TO PICK THIS TIME!” Remus screeched.

“You lost that privilege after you picked Scream,” Janus said matter-of-factly.

“Come on Jay-Jay! It wasn’t like I KNEW it would give Patton nightmares!” Remus whined. Roman shook his head at his brother, a small smile gracing his face. He looked around himself at his friends. At his family. The hurt never really goes away, but maybe he didn’t have to hold it all himself. Maybe he could let these people hold it with him. The self-destructive thoughts, for just a moment, went background as he watched everyone around him move to set up the living room. He could do this. If only for today, he could stay alive.

* * * *

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to see more of this or have ideas feel free to comment them? Idk if they will ever see the light of day but yeeeeeee. I love you guys, be safe and I will see you next time! <3


End file.
